Get Into Their Movie
Last week I was in New York, leading a workshop for 35 senior HR leaders from some of the best-known architecture firms in the country. Smart, experienced people who are motivated by enabling the success of others.
But in this session we turned the tables and explored how to advocate for their own goals. This can feel uncomfortable for even the most seasoned professional because it involves making a personal request. We tend to fixate on that specific moment: making the ask and being met with resistance.
That moment becomes the whole game.
We either push harder and try to overpower, or we back down and assume ‘game over’. It’s like pressing two fists together. Lots of effort, zero movement.
In the workshop, I offered a simple framework for handling that moment differently. It starts with recognizing that what feels like a single stuck reality is actually just one of three.
The first is the one we’re usually trapped in: the immediate clash. My ask meets your resistance.
But behind that are two other realities that matter much more.
There’s my reality—what’s important to me, what I value, what I believe, and why I’m making the ask (which, if we’re honest, we don’t always fully understand or appreciate).
And then there’s their reality—what’s important to the other person, what they value, what they believe, and what’s driving their resistance.
Most of us never consider that third one. I call it “getting into their movie.”
Typically we stay in our own movie, narrating why our ask makes sense, why it’s reasonable, why it should be obvious. Meanwhile, the other person is doing the exact same thing in theirs, although they may not be conscious of it.
It’s like two separate films with no shared plot.
Your power to self-advocate grows when you expand the conversation and consider all of these realities at once. That means getting clearer on your own needs and then making a genuine effort to understand theirs.
By acknowledging their concerns
By demonstrating how your goals are aligned
By offering a smaller initial ask
By making the first step relatively easy
If you maintain a respectful degree of curiosity and stick with this inquiry, you’ll start to uncover something else entirely: a fourth reality. This is the shared one that results from having a meaningful conversation.
So the next time you anticipate resistance, don’t cave in or attempt to coerce. Make a connection instead by getting into their movie.