Pitchers Don’t Take Themselves Off the Mound
I often refer to delivering feedback as a “conflict adjacent” activity because our instincts in both situations are usually the same. In an insightful and wide-ranging recent interview on Chip Conley’s podcast, Airbnb’s co-founder and CEO Brian Chesky reflects on his approach to conflict and feedback as a young leader, and how he would advise his younger self today:
“I would tell myself to not avoid conflict. As you know, I was very conflict averse, and that meant I would avoid people that weren’t succeeding, hoping they’d get the hint and resign and of course they never did. Someone once told me a pitcher never takes themselves off the mound, that the coach has to go onto the mound…and I was hoping the pitchers would take themselves off the mound. And what I did - what I thought was compassionate - was cruel, which is I let them fail hoping it would be self-evident to them and eventually it was. Had I intervened I would have either stopped it or helped them and I didn’t and that came from insecurity and it was probably ultimately a little bit selfish, and I didn’t see that at the time.”
Conflict avoidance is remarkably common, especially in design-focused organizations that often describe themselves to me as having a “culture of kind.” But it goes beyond culture. As humans we resist giving feedback due to a primal fear of rejection from our “tribe”, which in prehistoric times meant certain death. So instead of saying something that might provoke outrage or even mild annoyance, we avoid the whole thing and hope the problematic person will just disappear through some kind of organic attrition on the savannah or in the workplace.
This is neither sensible nor kind, as Chesky points out.
According to the NeuroLeadership Institute, three deliberate moves can help us manage the brain’s survival instincts long enough to have a productive feedback conversation:
· Reduce the threat response so we can be present and listen instead of being stressed and checked out.
· Elicit insights so the feedback maps to the receiver’s mental model of the situation.
· Focus on growth so that both giver and receiver are motivated to make change happen.
We may believe that avoiding a tough feedback conversation is an act of compassion, but ultimately it serves no one. Sometimes “pitchers” need to be guided off the mound in a way that benefits both them and the larger team or organization. Once in the dugout (or back at their desk) they aren’t automatically sent packing. Instead, they enter into a useful dialogue with their manager or coach to identify where and how they can improve.
With that kind of a playbook, feedback can help create a true culture of kind.