Three Levels of Listening
Settle in, this one is slightly longer than usual!
A couple of weeks ago I led a discussion for an MIT Sloan alumni group on the topic of listening.
After some brief opening remarks, I invited everyone to put down their drinks and appetizers, close their eyes (if they wished) and settle into their chairs. Then I guided them through a 2-minute body scan.
This was the first time I had ever done this in a bar.
At the end, I invited everyone to notice how they felt. Despite the ambient noise and unfamiliar location, most of the attendees reported a sense of calm.
Our ability to momentarily disengage from the thoughts in our head and become aware of what’s going on around us, and within us, is at the heart of listening effectively. We diminish this skill when we limit our exposure to thoughts and ideas different from our own. Or, to paraphrase the great David Byrne of the Talking Heads in a 2017 article he wrote for the MIT Technology Review, when we take up residence in our own “cognitive bubbles.”
Next, I set up a live demo of what different kinds of listening sound and look like. Working with a volunteer from the audience (who had been minimally briefed in advance), we engaged in three rounds of improvised dialogue, with my response changing slightly each time:
Laura: “Audra, it’s so nice to see you here! How are things going at work these days?”
Audra: “Nice to see you too. Well, I have this crazy client who hired me for a photography package. We’ve worked together before, no problems, but this time he keeps changing the order and he’s making all sorts of demands regarding payment terms, and…..”
Laura: “You’ve worked with him before, right, so it’s probably no big deal. You should just send him an email and stand your ground on whatever you had agreed to originally….”
Audra: “Ummm….”
I paused the action and asked the audience to make note of what they heard me say and saw me do (my body language said a lot!). It was “level 1” listening, which is mostly internal. I was listening to my own ideas, and hijacked the conversation with my response. Sometimes we just want to help – even if we haven’t been asked. Sometimes (in a high-stress business environment) we feel the need to demonstrate our competence. Listening at level 1 is common in a fast-moving world that’s filled with distractions and pressures.
We replayed the scene, but this time I responded differently:
Laura: “So, you’re dealing with a longtime client who all of a sudden is giving you some trouble?”
Audra: “That’s right. His wife even called my studio the other day on his behalf….”
I paused the action again. This is “level 2” listening, which is more focused on Audra. I took time to play back the facts as I heard then to ensure that I understood what happened, which signaled that I was genuinely interested in what she was trying to tell me. This should be the baseline level of listening in any business interaction.
We replayed the scene one more time:
Laura: “Wow, that sounds frustrating…(pause)…especially because I’m sensing this is an important client…..
Audra: Exactly, yes! I have all sorts of ideas on how to handle it but don’t know which is best. Maybe we could talk them through?”
We ended the improv there. The audience could immediately see how this final round of listening at “level 3” created a stronger connection by acknowledging (not judging) Audra’s feelings, and offering (not insisting on) my support. This kind of listening also engages other senses, which can help draw out what isn’t being said.
Of course, context matters. An existing relationship built on a foundation of trust makes level 3 listening appropriate. This is the realm of coaching and conflict resolution conversations.
Ultimately, high-quality listening is less about specific language and more about being fully present for the other person. If we remain trapped in our own “cognitive bubble” it’s hard to be influential, innovative, or collaborative.
So, test yourself by periodically asking “What level am I listening at?” and “Am I only listening with my ears?”