Conversational Agility
Over the last few weeks I watched a lot of US Open tennis. A lot.
At some point – I think it was during a Djokovic match – I began to observe something interesting about these elite players. They were doing so much more than just moving around the court, striking a ball with a racquet.
Rather, the best players were constantly pivoting, making split-second decisions in the moment about where and how to physically position themselves, and what kind of shot to take.
And they were doing it with speed.
We could all benefit from such skills in our daily lives, especially in those moments when something unexpected happens, when a well-planned conversation goes sideways, or when we need to improvise one.
These are the moments when it’s simply not effective to rely on a habitual verbal response, a default facial expression, or a hasty exit from an uncomfortable situation.
Instead, we are better served if we can pivot - first noticing our innate reaction to the situation and determining our relative safety, then redirecting our attention back to the person on the other side of the proverbial net and productively engaging with them.
And we need to do it with speed.
This is the essence of what I call “conversational agility” - the instinctive ability, in the moment, to have the right conversation in the right way. For many of my clients this is critical to both developing and nurturing their own client relationships, building deep trust, and ‘winning’ in the game of business.
So how do you develop conversational agility?
Just as tennis players rely on foundational techniques to shape their game, conversational agility is built on a core set of skills I call the Engagement Loop. Rooted in the mediation practice of “looping,” which centers on inquiry, listening, reflecting, and confirming, I’ve expanded the concept to include self-awareness as a vital element*. This evolution recognizes the dynamic presence of the other ‘player’ in the exchange, transforming conversation from a one-sided volley into a true rally—fluid, responsive, and co-created in real time.
First, check-in with yourself: are you able to have a productive exchange in this moment? If so, shift your attention back to the other person and commence the Engagement Loop:
1. Inquire from a place of curiosity, not animosity, to gain perspective on what is being said or done
2. Listen to the response
3. Reflect on what you hear to confirm your understanding and convey your interest
4. Repeat until clarity is reached, a decision is made, or an action is identified
Needless to say, this takes practice and can benefit from a coach’s guidance. But a powerful starting point is deceptively simple: build the habit of quickly checking in with yourself. Notice what you feel when a conversation throws you off balance or triggers a reactive impulse. That’s your cue; it’s the signal to activate the Engagement Loop and choose a more intentional response.
*IFS (Internal Family Systems), also known as parts work, has been making its way from the psychotherapeutic world to mainstream coaching, and for good reason. Our ability to get familiar with our parts using curiosity and compassion is an in-depth exercise that has an outsized impact on how we approach others.